1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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