I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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