Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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