After last night, I could never be a politician.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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