her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize