I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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