Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
