she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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