my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
