I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
