12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize