If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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