i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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