I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
