new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
