is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
