Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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