i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
