I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
