I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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