my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Panties = found
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
