I can't breathe out the right side of my face
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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