Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
