I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
FUCK WHALES
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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