just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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