Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
