No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
