When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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