if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
