I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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