Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
