My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
They took my balls.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
