i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
