his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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