is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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