we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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