im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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