I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
