OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
