God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
