I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
