Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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