I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
