this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
