Define "chronic" masturbator.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
