on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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