I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
