She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
