so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
