this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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