omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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