you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just blew my weed a kiss
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
