Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
