Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize