it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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