omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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