never play flip cup with pint glasses
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
This is classic penis vs brain.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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