We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
