i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
