On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
